Sometimes the moments that you expected to cherish as happy ones turn into the loneliest. Here I was, hoping and expecting a happy birthday. And here I am, feeling like shit for being born. I wonder if the world would be better without me. May be it will be. May be it won’t. I guess I can be over- sensitive about different issues.
I guess I’ll be putting a lot entries dedicated to you, even though I have no plans of making you read them. (To be honest, I’ll be mortified if you read them) Anyways. The recent tour made me realize that I’m more orthodox than I thought. I can’t be intimate with someone unless I love them. The body might not rebel, but the mind does. I also realized that I’ll always love you; or rather, I’d always love the version of ‘you’ that I’ve created in my mind. A version that will forever be the “ideal” for me. I know you’re not perfect, and neither am I. And yet, that version of ‘you’ seems kind of perfect. It accepts me as I am. And it makes my heart still palpitate when you’re nearby. I’m happy that I had the courage to say “I love you” with my own mouth while we were sitting face-to-face. It’s just that, your gentle, and somewhat helpless smile made me realize that I’ll never be anything more than a friend. Ouch! I should’ve known. I should’ve been ready to see that reaction. You had rejected me once, so I don’t know why I bothered to confess again. Nothing changed, but I’m happy that my heart is still broken. I’ll trap that perfect version of you in those broken pieces and always treasure them secretly. Even if there comes a day when someone else comes to mend my heart, I’ll keep you there as a part of my soul; eternal; ethereal; beautiful. And I’ll always love you: the perfect you.
I think I’ve been suffering from depression since my childhood. I don’t know the exact reason for this. Even experts in the medical field can’t always determine the reason for such depression. So, my failure in doing so is part of the norm I guess. I’ve made a few guesses though. One could be my physical problems. I’ve been obese since I was a kid and that has probably caused hormonal imbalances in my body. Another reason would probably be the sexual molestation I had to face as a kid. It was someone living on the apartment beside ours. To be more precise, he was our landlady’s brother. What he did to me might be light compared to actual penetration and rape but it was still shocking to me. I still shudder thinking about what would happen if he wasn’t caught before things progressed too far. Maybe he’d progress to vaginal penetration and if things got worse, he’d probably kill me. I think that childhood memory has damaged some part of my mind or consciousness. I’ve become a broken soul somehow. Another reason for my depression could be my characteristic traits of cowardice and escapism. Most of the time, I tend to be a ‘sissy’. Since my parents never let me face too many hardships, I’ve turned into an escapist who runs away at the slightest glimpse of trouble. So these reasons could be working together to cause depression in me. I wonder how I should break away from this clingy disease.
I think I’ve reached my limit already. Life has somehow become unbearable. I always knew that I was a weakling, but I never thought that I was THIS weak. I’m completely vulnerable and fragile in my mind. Even small setbacks make me feel like I’ll topple over the edge. It’s suffocating. I’m not sure why and for what I’m living. I have no goals, no passion. Any sort of passion I had has been quashed as time went by. It’s not that I don’t have ambitions. It’s just that I feel too lazy to work for those ambitions. What happens when you can’t find your raison d’être? Does that mean you’re already dead inside?
You’ve broken up with her. Or rather, she broke up with you. I don’t know how to console you. I thought that being the shoulder you cried on would make me weak again. So I avoided your sister’s wedding so that I won’t meet you. I know that you were upset with me, but I’ve always been selfish.
A few months have gone by. I guess you’re quite reckless now. I’m a coward, so I never tried to take the empty space that she left behind. No, I couldn’t bear to be HER replacement. But I guess that was stupid of me. I should’ve tried. I heard from T that you’re now hooking up with your first crush. Even though SHE is still in your mind, your first crush, A, will soon take her place. T was right, I could never be as crazy about you as A. She’s been in love with you for so long and she has the courage to face you in a straightforward way. While I cowered from the fear, she shoved away the fears and ran after you recklessly. I guess you two would make a nice match.
I can only feel regret…feel angry at myself for not running to you while I had the chance. I realize that you won’t be mine, ever. Still, I want to tell you someday that I was too afraid to get rejected again. And I was afraid that this time, I won’t get over the heartache. I was afraid that if things went wrong this time, I would lose you as a friend as well. I don’t want that. Like I said, I’m selfish and I’m a coward. So, I can’t let you go from my life, even if it means that I’ll be just a friend.
I thought I’d be okay with this, with you being with someone else. But I’m not. I thought I won’t be hurt if I don’t invest emotions again. I guess I was wrong. I’d stopped crying recently. In the past year, I probably hadn’t cried except for the time when one my colleagues had died. And yet, here I am- crying again because I can’t have you. I guess that’s good in a way. I’d probably get over the emotions if we really started dating. Excuses come by pretty easily. I don’t have any other choice other than giving excuses. Regrets can only be made lighter with excuses.
I called your number today but heard the “busy” tone. I didn’t call a second time. Or should I say, I painfully refrained from calling you a second time…
I love you. I could say this to you a million times amd still feel unsatisfied. I know that my feelings are merely limerence and will probably evaporate when(if!) I have a fulfilling, mature relationship with someone. I’ve known all along that my feelings have been one-sided. You’ve kept your distance from me – maintaining the perfect balance in our friendship. You can never let go of her, after all, yours was a concrete relationship where you’ve faced ups and downs together. She knows everything about you, while I merely know the shadows. She’s been with you long enough to see your good and bad sides. I’ve known you a few months less than she has, but you’re still a mystery to me. Maybe that’s why even after 6 years, I still can’t let go. Sometimes I wish I could just cry and beg you to be mine. I know you’re weak to tears. And yet there’s a part of me that fears your pity more than your adamant rejection.
When you got to know about my feelings, you said we should just stay friends. I said “ok” and yet I couldn’t let go. I cried a lot that night, bawled on the bed, struggling to muffle the whimpers. And yet, we remained “friends”, because I couldn’t bear not seeing your smile, not listening to your voice, not smelling the tobacco when I’m around you. And I guess I wanted to cling to you as a “friend” you could trust- one that would shamelessly follow you around. It’s not like you ever took advantage of it. In fact, I think you hurt me sometimes just to show that you and I are never going to be anything more than friends. And yet I couldn’t let go. You’re the first person I think of when I feel stiffed with the realities of life. Honestly, I feel happy if I see your face or hear your voice even for a few minutes. I like watching you when you’re eating or making weird faces. I like your happy smile when you’re smoking. I like it when you talk about your future dreams. I loved the pure joy on your face after you’d bought the bike. I found it quite funny and cute that you were pouting because you couldn’t buy a better one. I like how you talk about philosophy sometimes or about bitter truths of life. I like when you act drunk. Your silence pains me though, because I know that your silences are dedicated to the thoughts of her. I hate how you held her hands in front of me. It’s funny though- I guess you rarely brought her in front of me after you got to know that I love you. I both love and hate this side of you. You should’ve been harsher to me. The small tokens of kindness you gave to me as a friend made waves in my mind. And so, I couldn’t let go.
But today I’ve decided that I’ll finally let go. I’ll let go of these toxic emotions and these reckless impulses. I’ll let go of the flutterings of jealousy and insecurity about you. I’ll forget the “I” that I love more than a friend and only remember the “I” who is just a close friend. All I can say now is “thank you”. I can only bid thee adieu.
From the moment human beings start using their intellect, they have to go through the excruciating process of making choices. It’s quite strange: intellect is supposed to give you the rationale for making the right decisions, but at one point you realize that intelligence actually makes decision-making more difficult. If you go with your gut-feeling, you usually end up choosing something pretty easily. Intelligence just makes you weigh every option for multiple times. And that’s not even the end! Because of having reason and intellect, you mull over the choices you had made in the past and you are never happy! Should I have chosen the red shirt rather than the green one? Was it right to move away from my old home? Was it the right decision to eat that extra slice of pizza? 😜😜 Life is a never ending barrage of choices that you could or already have screwed up. Only the degree of the screw-up differs!