I Love You

Published November 28, 2017 by username_wat

Dear “I”,

I called your phone today but heard the “busy” tone. I didn’t call a second time. Or should I say, I painfully refrained from calling you a second time…

I love you. I wish I could say this to you a million times. I also know that my feelings are merely limerence and they’ll probably evaporate when(if!) I have a fulfilling, mature relationship with someone. I know that my feelings have always been one-sided and that you’ve kept your distance from me – maintaining the perfect balance between a friend and crush. You can never let go of her, after all, yours is (was?) a concrete relationship where you’ve faced ups and downs together. She knows your all, while I merely know the shadows. She’s been with you long enough to see your good and bad sides. I’ve known you a few months less than she has, but you’re still a mystery to me. Maybe that’s why I can’t let go. It’s been 6 years and I still can’t let go. Sometimes I wish I could just cry and beg you to be mine. I know you’re weak to tears. And yet there’s a part of me that fears your pity more than your permanent rejection.

When you got to know about my feelings, you said we should just stay friends. I said “ok” and yet I couldn’t let go. I cried a lot that night, bawled on the bed, struggling to muffle the whimpers. And yet we remained “friends”. Because I couldn’t bear not seeing your smile, not listening to your voice, not smelling the tobacco when I’m around you. And I guess I remained a “friend” you could trust- one that would shamelessly follow you around. It’s not like you ever took advantage of it. In fact, I think you hurt me sometimes just to show that you and I are never going to be anything more than friends. And yet I couldn’t let go. You’re the first person I think of when I feel stiffed with the realities of life. Honestly, I feel happy if I see your face or hear your voice even for a few minutes. I like watching you when eat or when you’re making weird faces. I like your happy smile when you’re smoking. I like it when you talk about your future dreams. I liked how happy you were after you’d bought the bike. It was funny how you were pouting because you couldn’t buy a better one. I like how you talk about philosophy sometimes or about bitter truths of life. I like when you act drunk. Your silence pains me though, because I know that your silences are for her. I hate how you held her hands in front of me. It’s funny though- I guess you rarely brought her in front of me after you got to know that I love you. I both love and hate this side of you. You should’ve been harsher to me. The small tokens of kindness you gave to me as a friend made waves in my mind. And so, I couldn’t let go.

But today I’ve decided that I’ll finally let go. I’ll let go of these toxic emotions and these reckless impulses. I’ll let go of the flutterings and jealousy and insecurities about you. I’ll forget the “I” that I love more than a friend and only remember my friend “I”. All I can say now is “thank you”. I bid thee adieu.

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Choices

Published March 9, 2017 by username_wat

From the moment human beings start using their intellect, they have to go through the excruciating process of making choices. It’s quite strange: intellect is supposed to give you the rationale for making the right decisions, but at one point you realize that intelligence actually makes decision-making more difficult. If you go with your gut-feeling, you usually end up choosing something pretty easily. Intelligence just makes you weigh every option for multiple times. And that’s not even the end! Because of having reason and intellect,  you mull over the choices you had made in the past and you are never happy! Should I have chosen the red shirt rather than the green one? Was it right to move away from my old home? Was it the right decision to eat that extra slice of pizza? 😜😜 Life is a never ending barrage of choices that you could or already have screwed up. Only the degree of the screw-up differs!

Stuck in a Limbo

Published November 27, 2016 by username_wat

I’ve heard the expression “history repeats itself” for a million times. I know that some things might get repeated in life but that doesn’t mean I can accept it gratefully. Being stuck in a never ending limbo of depression, lethargy and passiveness is suffocating me. I’m really stuck in a limbo- one that won’t allow me to do anything productive As I lay around in bed for hours, doing nothing remotely useful, I contemplate over the most depressing issues. I can never figure out the reason for this never ending disease, this shadow-like clingy ailment that is DEPRESSION. It’s not like I’m leading an unhappy life. It’s just that I don’t find the joy in living anymore. I wonder if everyone facing depression goes through the same thing? I feel insane at times. It’s like I’m stuck inside the script of Waiting for Godot…always waiting for some nonexistent thing to come and drop buckets of motivation on me. Waiting without a sense of time or place, completely oblivious to the rest of the world. How long can I live like this? Maybe I can’t…

Confusions and Jealousy

Published November 20, 2016 by username_wat

It’s a weird feeling to realize that the burning sensation inside your chest is actually jealousy. (Honestly, I thought I was simply having a bad acidic reaction.) It becomes even more confusing when you don’t know why you’re feeling jealous. Love? Infatuation? Loneliness? Who knows? Jealousy, however, does have its perks. After your fit of rage at a completely non-existent thing is over, your mind becomes more lucid; your thoughts more collected. It made me realize today, that I have much bigger hurdles to overcome in the future. It also made me realize, that I might have to lead a very lonely life from now on. I realized that I’m merely a child; one that imitates others and gets influenced by others very easily. Just give me candy(a metaphoric one of course), and I’ll start to like you. No. Maybe I’m just extremely shortsighted. It’s ironic how lucidity can give birth to more confusion. I guess, I  was never lucid in the first place.

username_wat

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