From the moment human beings start using their intellect, they have to go through the excruciating process of making choices. It’s quite strange: intellect is supposed to give you the rationale for making the right decisions, but at one point you realize that intelligence actually makes decision-making more difficult. If you go with your gut-feeling, you usually end up choosing something pretty easily. Intelligence just makes you weigh every option for multiple times. And that’s not even the end! Because of having reason and intellect, you mull over the choices you had made in the past and you are never happy! Should I have chosen the red shirt rather than the green one? Was it right to move away from my old home? Was it the right decision to eat that extra slice of pizza? 😜😜 Life is a never ending barrage of choices that you could or already have screwed up. Only the degree of the screw-up differs!
I’ve heard the expression “history repeats itself” for a million times. I know that some things might get repeated in life but that doesn’t mean I can accept it gratefully. Being stuck in a never ending limbo of depression, lethargy and passiveness is suffocating me. I’m really stuck in a limbo- one that won’t allow me to do anything productive As I lay around in bed for hours, doing nothing remotely useful, I contemplate over the most depressing issues. I can never figure out the reason for this never ending disease, this shadow-like clingy ailment that is DEPRESSION. It’s not like I’m leading an unhappy life. It’s just that I don’t find the joy in living anymore. I wonder if everyone facing depression goes through the same thing? I feel insane at times. It’s like I’m stuck inside the script of Waiting for Godot…always waiting for some nonexistent thing to come and drop buckets of motivation on me. Waiting without a sense of time or place, completely oblivious to the rest of the world. How long can I live like this? Maybe I can’t…
It’s a weird feeling to realize that the burning sensation inside your chest is actually jealousy. (Honestly, I thought I was simply having a bad acidic reaction.) It becomes even more confusing when you don’t know why you’re feeling jealous. Love? Infatuation? Loneliness? Who knows? Jealousy, however, does have its perks. After your fit of rage at a completely non-existent thing is over, your mind becomes more lucid; your thoughts more collected. It made me realize today, that I have much bigger hurdles to overcome in the future. It also made me realize, that I might have to lead a very lonely life from now on. I realized that I’m merely a child; one that imitates others and gets influenced by others very easily. Just give me candy(a metaphoric one of course), and I’ll start to like you. No. Maybe I’m just extremely shortsighted. It’s ironic how lucidity can give birth to more confusion. I guess, I was never lucid in the first place.