Dreams

Published July 15, 2020 by Fan_Girl_Noha

Dreams are fickle…you see a dream and it feels very real – as if you can hear, touch, smell or even taste it. And yet you wake up, try to remember the details frantically, only to realize that the harder you try to catch them, the easier they slip away from your fingers. With each passing moment, most of the details start blurring. You’re left with nothing but bitter reminiscence of what you felt…a pounding heart, loneliness, fear, anxiety, maybe even the putrid smell of ardent desire which doesn’t go away…lingering in your mind like a throbbing tumor…eating you away little by little…turning neurotic…rotting away…tearing you apart from the inside…gnawing at any semblance of sanity that you hold. You shiver and get goosebumps at a foreign sense of chill spreading through your limbs, but nothing makes it go away -not warm hugs, nor hot coffee, neither the burning sun. It’s cold, very cold.

Habits of a millennial 1

Published June 17, 2020 by Fan_Girl_Noha

I have a very bad habit – whenever I face a situation that is troubling or somehow makes me uncomfortable,  I tend to escape from it. Sometimes the escape is physical: I stay outside home for longer periods; other times the escape is mental: I stay in the house, in my room but create a different world in my mind- one that is full of fantasy and imagination; one that makes me feel different;  one that gives me happiness.  This happens when I read light novels or indulge myself in other forms of entertainment. It makes me feel like I have a world of my own. People may call millennials lazy, but I feel that we’re merely different from our previous generations. They had the chance to use the nature around them as a means of escape. We don’t have that chance, unfortunately. When you’re stuck amidst the concrete and pollutants of big cities, it’s not possible to seek refuge in nature. The next best thing would’ve been sports, but that’s rarely possible as playgrounds are constantly being destroyed to meet with the demands of the growing population. Some say books are another way of escape but carrying books everywhere is impossible. More importantly, will you always have the right book with you? Not likely. So, people of my generation chose the next best thing: smartphones and ebooks…. (TBC)

Depression Part 2

Published June 14, 2020 by Fan_Girl_Noha

Depression and I have been in a long on-again-off-again relationship. As a matter of fact, we’ve been together since I was in puberty.  In this transcendent world where nothing lasts too long, my depression has become one of the exceptions. I think it knows me better than I do myself. Sadly, I don’t know it well enough and I don’t plan on doing so. I’ve always tried to know the reason behind this depression though. Sometimes I feel that my parents probably treasured me a bit too much which resulted in me having an unrealistic and naive view about life and that’s probably the reason for this unending depression. Or it could be the fact that I was molested by a pervert when I was 5/6 years old and it took me too long to find closure. The reason could be purely physiological as I’m quite obese. Whatever the reason is, my depression remains a constant factor in my life. It’s like a terminal disease: once you get it, it will follow you till death tears you apart from each other.

I think my molestation has made me a pessimist and escapist.

A different me and you (Relapse)

Published June 14, 2020 by Fan_Girl_Noha

Dear You,
It’s surprising to me that you could let go of your ex so easily. Well, it had nothing to do with me anyway. I was more surprised when you met your current partner…you even got married and will soon have kids. What I’m more surprised about is my own reaction to your decisions. I was hurt, truly, but not because you got married. I was hurt that you got married but didn’t tell me till I heard the news from others. You’re even going to have kids! I felt like you had finally shoved me away from your whole life. And yet, you remain one of the people I can always open my heart too…I don’t feel the blind obsession towards you anymore. Just a sense of nostalgia for the feelings I deeply cherished. I remember December 9th of 2015. I never cried in such a desperate manner before that (I did do it quite a few times after that occasion, albeit for different reasons). When I think of you or “him”, I just feel a sense of numbness and endless despair; a foreboding even, that maybe, I’m just not meant for ‘love’. I fear love, to be honest. It makes you vulnerable and overly emotional. It’s just like those confusing rainy days in BD, when there’s incessant rainfall followed by intense sunshine. You can’t control it, yet you feel lonely without it. I sound pathetic, don’t I? I say I don’t ‘want’ romantic relationships (including marriage) , but the truth is- I’m just a coward. I’m terrified of falling in love again, only to be rejected. The thought of disgusting someone I love terrifies me. I’d rather be alone than go through that. Maybe I’m just playing the victim here, but I can’t help it.
The lockdown that started from March has given me a lot of perspective. I’ve understood myself better than I ever did. I don’t know how much help that’ll be though. My depression is coming back in full swing. I’m having thoughts of death again. Well, at least the suicidal thoughts aren’t back. I’ve just become really empty these days. Introspection has lead me to believe that I’ve accomplished nothing in this world- not physically, not intellectually and not even spiritually. I’m just stuck ‘living’ a life that I’d rather quit. I don’t know what to do.

Sushant Singh Rajput, suicide and my depression

Published June 14, 2020 by Fan_Girl_Noha

It’s funny how, just yesterday, I had posted about my depression returning in it’s full form during this lockdown. I guess this is true for every depressed person. Today, I was taking an online class when my brother interrupted me to let know about the death of Sushant Singh Rajput. He’s one of the most prominent actors in Bollywood. He didn’t die of the Corona Virus; nor did he die from any accident; neither did he die because of some criminal activity. He committed suicide. I guess at the end of the day, he was just as depressed as any of us, maybe even more. People keep chastising those who commit suicide, saying that it’s not the solution. Why do people think that the people who are depressed enough to take their own life care about the best solution. Yes, maybe it’s just running away from the problems in life. Maybe it’s just cowardice. However,  they don’t consider the fact that maybe, those of us who think of suicide, don’t really enjoy life. I don’t know about others,  but for me, life has never really been enjoyable.  It’s true that I’m more privileged than many people. Even in this lockdown, I don’t have to worry about food, clothing, or even my salary. Does that mean everything is now full of sunshine and rainbows? Does it mean that I have to be jovial? What if I’m incapable of feeling that joy? What if all I feel is just desolation? Emptiness? Numbness? Hatred? Nausea? Disgust? What if, at a very young age, I had started hating humans? Am I a misanthrope? Probably not. I love my family, friends and colleagues after all. Does that mean I’m full of love? NO. I love them, and yet, there’s a part of me that feels loneliness, despite their presence. I’ve been wondering why I feel scared of romantic love. I guess that’s because that is the only kind of love that I haven’t explored yet. And maybe, because I know that even romantic love won’t let me fill this void, this chasm that I cannot describe. This void makes me bipolar at moments.  I crave the love and touch of someone, yet, I feel nauseated at the thought of it. I hate all humans, especially myself. And I cannot forgive others, just like I can’t forgive myself.

I’ve been dealing with forms of depression since I was 12 or 13. Why was I depressed at that young age? Maybe it’s because I felt a sense of disgust at the men who reminded me of that guy who molested me as a kid. Maybe I felt disgusted at those who fatshamed me, making me realise how worthless I was. Maybe I felt nauseated at myself, who knew the solution but never had the nerve to try it. I still feel that I’m revolting, loathsome.  By now, this suffocating amalgam of self-hatred and frustration has incarcerated me into a limbo. I cannot go out. One of my colleagues had told me that I feel burdened by life. Her words had shocked me to the core, because they were the truest words anybody had said to me. I’m exhausted of life, but I’m just too scared of becoming obsolete. Maybe that is what keeps me from committing suicide.

Sushant’s death today shook me too, because I could see myself in him. I feel scared, because I don’t know when I’ll do something similar. His death left a bitter taste in my mouth. And I feel as if I’m breathing in tar, suffocating from it’s weight and texture.

I thought writing down my feelings would calm me down somewhat, but it didn’t. It made me horrified instead. I feel like a monster at times. And I feel like a buffoon at other times. I wish I were a devout Muslim. At least that way, I could’ve gotten rid of these thoughts. Now I don’t think I can. I’ve tried distracting myself using so many methods-mostly bad ones. And yet, nothing matters, nothing makes things better. I’m a failure at this point, aren’t I?

Published July 28, 2018 by Fan_Girl_Noha

Sometimes the moments that you expected to cherish as happy ones turn into the loneliest. Here I was, hoping and expecting a happy birthday. And here I am, feeling like shit for being born. I wonder if the world would be better without me. Maybe it will be. Maybe it won’t. I guess I can be over-sensitive about different issues.

You

Published May 26, 2018 by Fan_Girl_Noha

Dear You,

I guess I’ll be putting a lot of entries dedicated to you, even though I have no plans of making you read them. (To be honest, I’ll be mortified if you read them) Anyways. The recent tour made me realize that I’m more orthodox than I thought. I can’t be intimate with someone unless I love them. The body might not rebel, but the mind does. I also realized that I’ll always love you; or rather, I would always love the version of ‘you’ that I’ve created in my mind. A version that will forever be the “ideal” for me. I know you’re not perfect, and neither am I. And yet, that version of ‘you’ seems kind of perfect.  It accepts me as I am. And it makes my heart still palpitate when you’re nearby. I’m happy that I had the courage to say “I love you” with my own mouth while we were sitting face-to-face. It’s just that, your gentle, and somewhat helpless smile made me realize that I’ll never be anything more than a friend. Ouch! I should’ve known. I should’ve been ready to see that reaction. You had rejected me once, so I don’t know why I bothered to confess again. Nothing changed, but I’m happy that my heart is still broken. I’ll trap that perfect version of you in those broken pieces and always treasure them secretly. Even if there comes a day when someone else comes to mend my heart, I’ll keep you there as a part of my soul; eternal; ethereal; beautiful. And I’ll always love you: the perfect you.

Depression Part 1

Published April 2, 2018 by Fan_Girl_Noha

I think I’ve been suffering from depression since my childhood. I don’t know the exact reason for this. Even experts in the medical field can’t always determine the reason for such depression. So, my failure in doing so is part of the norm I guess. I’ve made a few guesses though. One could be my physical problems. I’ve been obese since I was a kid and that has probably caused hormonal imbalances in my body. Another reason would probably be the sexual molestation I had to face as a kid. It was someone living on the apartment beside ours. To be more precise, he was our landlady’s brother. What he did to me might be light compared to actual penetration and rape but it was still shocking to me. I still shudder thinking about what would happen if he wasn’t caught before things progressed too far. Maybe he’d progress to vaginal penetration and if things got worse, he’d probably kill me. I think that childhood memory has damaged some part of my mind or consciousness. I’ve become a broken soul somehow. Another reason for my depression could be my characteristic traits of cowardice and escapism. Most of the time, I tend to be a ‘sissy’. Since my parents never let me face too many hardships, I’ve turned into an escapist who runs away at the slightest glimpse of trouble. So these reasons could be working together to cause depression in me. I wonder how I should break away from this clingy disease.

Reaching the Limit

Published March 16, 2018 by Fan_Girl_Noha

I think I’ve reached my limit already. Life has somehow become unbearable. I always knew that I was a weakling, but I never thought that I was THIS weak. I’m completely vulnerable and fragile mentally. Even small setbacks make me feel like I’ll topple over the edge. It’s suffocating. I’m not sure why and for what I’m living. I have no goals, no passion. Any sort of passion I had before has been quashed as time went by. It’s not that I don’t have ambitions. It’s just that I feel too lazy to work for those ambitions.  What happens when you can’t find your raison d’être? Does that mean you’re already dead inside?

Regrets

Published March 2, 2018 by Fan_Girl_Noha

Dear You,

You’ve broken up with her. Or rather, she broke up with you. I don’t know how to console you. I thought that being the shoulder you cried on would make me weak again. That’s why I avoided your sister’s wedding so that I won’t meet you. I know that you were upset with me, but I’ve always been selfish.

…..

A few months have gone by. I guess you’re quite reckless now. I’m a coward, so I never tried to take the empty space that she left behind.  No, I couldn’t bear to be HER replacement.  But I guess that was stupid of me. I should’ve tried. I heard from G that you’re now hooking up with your first crush. Even though SHE is still in your mind, your first crush, A, will soon take her place. G was right,  I could never be as crazy about you as A. She’s been in love with you for so long and she has the courage to face you in a straightforward way. While I cowered from the fear, she shoved the fears and ran after you recklessly.  I guess you two would make a nice match.

I can only feel regret…feel angry at myself for not running to you while I had the chance. I realize that you won’t be mine, ever. Still, I want to tell you someday that I was too afraid to get rejected again. And I was afraid that this time, I won’t get over the heartache. I was afraid that if things went wrong this time, I would lose you as a friend as well. I don’t want that. Like I said, I’m selfish and I’m a coward. So, I can’t let you go from my life, even if it means that I’ll be just a friend.

….

I thought I’d be okay with this, with you being with someone else. But I’m not.  I thought I won’t be hurt if I don’t invest emotions again. I guess I was wrong. I’d stopped crying recently. In the past year, I probably hadn’t cried except for the time when one of my colleagues had died.  And yet, here I am- crying again because I can’t have you. I guess that’s good in a way. I’d probably get over the emotions if we really started dating. Excuses come by pretty easily, don’t they? I don’t have any other choice than giving excuses. Regrets can only be made lighter with excuses, you know.

…..

So, it’s 2020 and you’re married now. Should I sing “Someone like you” like Adele? LOL. I surprisingly didn’t feel as sad as I thought I would. Maybe because I don’t want to be a sore loser. or maybe I had grown tired of running after your shadow. You know, loving you or being infatuated by you (whichever seems less damaging to my self-esteem) has made me realize how tiresome this whole process is. Being in love sucks, as does growing out of love. I had gone through such a whirlpool of emotions just because of you an yet, now, I feel so numb. It makes me wonder if I ever actually loved you after all. I didn’t hate the idea of you getting married to someone. After all, I was the one who suggested it once, as I couldn’t bear to watch you damage your mind and body in casual sexual encounters anymore. You’re not the type who can go through casual sex for long. I know you. It’s just that, I expected to be one of the first people that you’d inform about your marriage. I didn’t expect to know it from somebody else’s mouth and that too by accident. How strange life has become now! The two of us who could overcome my budding emotions for you, couldn’t overcome this incident. You were so close to me before…I wonder if it was my emotions that got the better of me- vindictive emotion- but I don’t love you anymore. As a matter of fact, I feel a slight resentment for you, who had desecrated our friendship over somebody else. I wish you hadn’t. I had already approved of her in my head and even told you so. I wonder why you still did what you did.

Nevermind.

I guess even OUR friendship can’t overcome the vicissitudes of reality.

Phiare

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