I called your phone today but heard the “busy” tone. I didn’t call a second time. Or should I say, I painfully refrained from calling you a second time…
I love you. I wish I could say this to you a million times. I also know that my feelings are merely limerence and they’ll probably evaporate when(if!) I have a fulfilling, mature relationship with someone. I know that my feelings have always been one-sided and that you’ve kept your distance from me – maintaining the perfect balance between a friend and crush. You can never let go of her, after all, yours is (was?) a concrete relationship where you’ve faced ups and downs together. She knows your all, while I merely know the shadows. She’s been with you long enough to see your good and bad sides. I’ve known you a few months less than she has, but you’re still a mystery to me. Maybe that’s why I can’t let go. It’s been 6 years and I still can’t let go. Sometimes I wish I could just cry and beg you to be mine. I know you’re weak to tears. And yet there’s a part of me that fears your pity more than your permanent rejection.
When you got to know about my feelings, you said we should just stay friends. I said “ok” and yet I couldn’t let go. I cried a lot that night, bawled on the bed, struggling to muffle the whimpers. And yet we remained “friends”. Because I couldn’t bear not seeing your smile, not listening to your voice, not smelling the tobacco when I’m around you. And I guess I remained a “friend” you could trust- one that would shamelessly follow you around. It’s not like you ever took advantage of it. In fact, I think you hurt me sometimes just to show that you and I are never going to be anything more than friends. And yet I couldn’t let go. You’re the first person I think of when I feel stiffed with the realities of life. Honestly, I feel happy if I see your face or hear your voice even for a few minutes. I like watching you when eat or when you’re making weird faces. I like your happy smile when you’re smoking. I like it when you talk about your future dreams. I liked how happy you were after you’d bought the bike. It was funny how you were pouting because you couldn’t buy a better one. I like how you talk about philosophy sometimes or about bitter truths of life. I like when you act drunk. Your silence pains me though, because I know that your silences are for her. I hate how you held her hands in front of me. It’s funny though- I guess you rarely brought her in front of me after you got to know that I love you. I both love and hate this side of you. You should’ve been harsher to me. The small tokens of kindness you gave to me as a friend made waves in my mind. And so, I couldn’t let go.
But today I’ve decided that I’ll finally let go. I’ll let go of these toxic emotions and these reckless impulses. I’ll let go of the flutterings and jealousy and insecurities about you. I’ll forget the “I” that I love more than a friend and only remember my friend “I”. All I can say now is “thank you”. I bid thee adieu.